Thoughts on Septimus’s Suicude

 Thoughts on Septimus’s Suicude

Upon a first reading, it is easy to interpret Septimus’s suicide as a reckless action taken out of pure panic. Upon realizing someone is chaotically entering the home, Septimus scans the room for options ranging from a gas fire to a razor. In a matter of seconds, he decides the window is his best option, and proceeds to jump. Holmes’s entrance is depicted as unruly and unwanted, and he pushes Lucrezia aside before climbing the stairs to Septimus’s room. Throughout the entire novel, Septimus has been suffering from PTSD and hallucinations. During one of the earlier scenes, he is transfixed in the headlights of a car as if they were an explosion. Therefore, when Holmes entered the house so forcibly, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume that Septimus believed it was an enemy soldier coming to kill or torture him. Even if he was fully mentally aware of who was ascending the steps, the thought of what they would do could still be overwhelming. Dr. Bradshaw has suggested the rest cure, a treatment which Virigina Woolf herself was subject to. The fear and pain that could have come from being forced to attend a rest cure could be extremely traumatizing. However, a close inspection reveals a much more likely scenario: The suicide was a calculated act.

There is a lot of evidence for this interpretation, but I’ll start with the multiple options he considers. In a matter of seconds, Septimus enumerates 3 different options for his suicide before settling on the windows. These are not the methods of a panicked man either, with him considering that using the bread knife would ruin it, the gas stove would take too long to work, and that Lucrezia would have hidden away the razors. Because the formation of these ideas takes place over such a short time period, it leads me to believe he must have considered this before. Additionally, if Lucrezia didn’t believe that Septimus wasn’t at risk, she wouldn’t have taken his Razors. The second group of evidence for this scenario is what Septimus thinks and says, before throwing himself off. Sepitmus’s thoughts, “But he would still wait for the very last moment. He did not want to die. Life was good.” indicate it was a deliberate act (Woolf 146). These thoughts tell a very different story from the first, but perhaps the most important is when he decides to wait for the last moment to throw himself off. It is almost as if he wants the psychiatrist to see him perform this action, a thought confirmed by him crying out “I’ll give it to you!” as Holmes bursts through the door. The timing of this line lines up perfectly with the theory that Septimus knew what he was doing.

Septimus’s decision to commit suicide was not born from blind panic, but rather was a calculated act to avoid the Rest Cure. As Septimus explicitly states, “He did not want to die.” (Woolf 146), making his act one of freeing himself from his potential captor. Septimus feeling he had to resort to suicide in order to free himself from the pain is heartbreaking, but what makes it even worse were the wonderful moments spent with his wife before Holmes’s arrival. Rezia is decorating a hat while Septimus lies on the sofa as they have a lighthearted discussion. During this short segment of the book, Septimus seems remarkably normal compared to previous interactions we have had with him. Yet, in a matter of 10 pages, we go from Septimus at his happiest, to his absolute worst. Even for the reader this event comes as a total shock, as it takes place completely in less than a page. Writing a book with a segment containing a firsthand account of suicide is risky, but Woolf’s personal experience dealing with these troubles allows her to portray Septimus empathetically to the reader. I have never read a book like this before, and I am not sure I would do it again. However, I am glad I experienced what Virginia Woolf had to offer.

Baker’s Unique Take on Nostalgia

 Baker’s Unique Take on Nostalgia

When reading The Mezzanine, it's hard not to experience nostalgia. Baker’s detailed descriptions of the most mundane aspects of 80s corporate life brings the reader into the past without hesitation. However, I think this is largely a product of the time in which we are reading this novel, and not the novel itself. When Baker wrote The Mezzanine in the late 80s, everything he described was current. The use of the word “xeroxed” as an adjective particularly exemplifies this notion, as in an 80s office, almost everything you read was copied with a Xerox, but it now serves as a reminder of a simpler time. The office etiquette is also an example of this nostalgia. With a world occupied by phones and email, it could seem strange to a reader that Baker focuses so heavily on the subtle interactions required to perform the job. One example of this is found when he interacts with Tina, citing that he could not leave until she finished her phone call, or he was released (Baker 32). This isn’t to say that in person connection isn’t present in an office now, but a description of an interaction might be replaced with the process of writing and editing an email. In 2060, this slow and methodical process might be nostalgic for people who transmit thoughts directly from one mind to another. So while the book certainly creates 80s nostalgia for me, I doubt it was written for this purpose.

In the novel, both Howie and Baker reflect on the past, yet whether or not their writing is driven by nostalgia is different for both speakers. Howie recalls in detail the slow decline of his family’s milk delivery service. The local deliverer was soon bought up by a corporate giant, stripped of its personality and branding, and eventually the service was cancelled as they became the last home in the neighborhood which took deliveries (Baker 44). Howie doesn’t recall this with a particular fondness for milk delivery, but instead seems to be interested in how the outdated practice of delivery continued far into the age of the milk carton (Baker 43). In fact, Howie specifically notes that “I am tempted away from history into all kinds of untrustworthy emotional details,” displaying that he is actively trying to steer his writing away from nostalgia, and into the objective facts of the era (Baker 44). On the other hand, the narrator (who contacts us via the footnotes) seems to me to be heavily experiencing nostalgia. While some of the footnotes are simply objects or events he finds interesting, one in particular seems to be heavily driven by nostalgia. In one lengthy footnote, he expresses his frustration that the office doorknobs are not truly knob shaped. This leads him to recall his father's behavior of always hanging his ties on the properly knob shaped doorknobs present in his home. He describes how his father gave him a tie, and they wore it to a dinner, feeling they had the best ties at the table (Baker 27). This passage is demonstrative of Baker’s tendency to let one thought lead to another, which in this case caused him to experience a nostalgic memory. Nostalgia is often not connected to the objects themselves, but rather the era of safety surrounding them, and the transition from doorknobs to a calming memory perfectly demonstrates this.

Ultimately, the novel expresses nostalgia in a variety of different ways and as a reader, it was difficult to not experience it myself. For me, part of the intrigue of the book was how well it transported me to the mid 80s, an era which I never experienced. What was a completely normal day for Howie interests me because of how carefree he seems. He lives his life with the ability to take in every detail, a luxury most cannot afford. By focusing on the smaller aspects of life, the novel manages to create the sense of simplicity so often associated with nostalgia. When writing the book, I can imagine that Baker was also experiencing nostalgia, as Howie specifically notes he must avoid it interfering with his writing. However in the footnotes, Baker is free to let his feelings onto the page, shown well through the tie story. The experience for every reader is different, but I’m curious if anyone else felt some 80s nostalgia while reading this book.

Nicholson Baker. The Mezzanine. Weidenfeld & Nicholson, 1988.

All posts past this are for 20th Century Novel

A cool picture of a mezzanine I drew

    Hi guys welcome to my old blog. It has some personal essays on it, but now its for normal blog posts. This is just a notification that all posts from now on will be for the 20th Century Novel!

Money can’t buy happiness, or can it?

The idea that money can’t buy happiness is a powerful one to many. It is not difficult to find examples where someone who has billions still finds themselves desiring more. If money did buy happiness, then these people should be the happiest in the world. However, if they were truly so happy, why do they only desire more? A proponent of this theory would point to cases such as this, where the rich only desire more wealth, never satiated. Because they have passed the point where money stops being a concern, and are still unhappy, they believe money is the only solution. However, this argument is often applied, not just to the wealthy, but to everyone. When used like this, the argument falls apart.

My family is stable now, but it hasn’t always been this way, and we have been in a few very rough spots. When I was a child, around 2012, my dad was working on his PhD, and my mom was home with two children: me and my sister. This time was extremely stressful for them, and while I didn’t notice this at the time, looking back, it’s obvious. Our TV was old, our house was near a sketchier neighborhood, and our cars weren’t the greatest. Living off the PhD stipend given to us by the university wasn’t easy. While I remember being happy at this time, my parents almost certainly wouldn’t like to return. Our finances severely constrained what we were able to do, with vacations few and far between. In this case, while we weren’t going to starve, more money could have drastically improved our situation, leading to a happier experience.

I have also found this true for myself. While I don’t have the financial burdens of bills or a car payment, I still had a job. This newfound money allowed me to do activities on my own. Finally, I could shop without my parents needing to approve every purchase. However, as I worked more, and gained more money, I found that the happiness was not coming from spending the money, but rather from feeling like I was participating in something productive, and using my time well. At a certain point, it almost became meaningless what the number was, as most of it went into savings. Because I already had everything I needed, having money was fun, but didn’t significantly affect how happy I was. However, this would all change if I had bills to pay. The job that I have had would be just barely enough to cover living expenses. I don’t think I would be nearly as happy if I was living on the edge like so many in America do.

Considering all these arguments, I would say that while money can’t buy happiness, having enough of it is required to be happy. Some might use this phrase as an excuse to justify the worse quality of life for those making less, and that is possibly the worst interpretation of the phrase. It is easy for someone who doesn’t need to worry about finances to say this to someone who does. However, the other extreme also holds true. Those with enough money to do anything they could dream of seem to only desire more. They do not seem satisfied with how their life is, despite it being better than nearly anyone else. Their wealth has not bought happiness, despite their best efforts to make it do so. So while the thought that money doesn’t buy happiness holds true for a few, in the vast majority of cases, a person would be happier if they earned  more money.

 

My Struggle with Procrastination (and methods that helped)

        It’s a miracle anyone even gets to read this essay, considering how much I procrastinated when writing it. Procrastination is a daily struggle for me, impacting many parts of my life. As I try to start my projects, it feels as though I am weighed down, my brain unable to think, and my fingers unable to move. I long for an easier obligation, a shorter task, or an instantly rewarding distraction. I lull myself into a false sense of responsibility, after all, I have a week left for this project. Yet too soon, that week becomes a day, and all I have to show for my time are a few meaningless words. Yet in the past, I have always managed to complete my assignments, so why should I try anything new? This conflict between what I know is responsible and what I feel is reasonable is constant, affecting nearly every decision I make.

The motivation is clear: Why spend hours struggling to get past a mental block when distraction is there, ready to take away my guilt and turn it into short lived entertainment? After all, I’m doing alright in school, so I can afford a little distraction. Despite knowing what the outcome will be, I find it too easy to brush tasks aside. Even when I decide to begin working, procrastination can play a role. Just a sentence written is excuse enough to push aside the obligation in exchange to look up something which won’t matter to me in 5 minutes. I feel that this quote from The Screwtape Letters exemplifies this pattern well. “He may say, as one of my own patients said on his arrival down here, ‘I now see that I spent most of my life in doing neither what I ought nor what I liked’” (Lewis 12). This quote describes how the demon Screwtape caused a man to live a life of apathy. He distracted the man from both the tasks at hand while also not allowing him to enjoy his life. I interpret this as the man feeling too guilty about his distractions to enjoy what he would rather be doing. This is something that I can identify with, as I often feel the same way. I would rather be programming or playing a game, but instead I just endlessly scroll. This causes me to regret the time wasted more than if I had chosen to do what I actually wanted.

While it has not yet afflicted my school performance, I believe this pattern of procrastination is harmful. While putting off tasks in the moment relieves a bit of stress, it is only temporary. As the pile of tasks waiting for completion grows ever higher, it becomes even more difficult to begin one. This cycle continues until the night everything is due, leaving me with hardly any time. Despite these challenges, there are some things that have worked for me. For example, instead of focusing on the task as a whole, break it down into smaller parts you can complete in 15 minutes or so (such as finding a source, or creating the outline of a paragraph). Another method that can help is to create deadlines for these small tasks. This makes every task manageable, and keeps the project on track for timely completion. Finally, and maybe the best way to avoid procrastination, is peer accountability. If you are the one who can’t hop on the game because you didn’t finish your math, your friends might be disappointed in you. If another person is depending on the completion of a task, not letting them down can be a motivator.

While procrastination is a real struggle for me, using these methods to make it more manageable has helped, and I have an easier time completing tasks efficiently.

Works Cited

Lewis, Clive. “Chapter 12.” The Screwtape Letters, https://gutenberg.ca/ebooks/lewiscs-screwtapeletters/lewiscs-screwtapeletters-00-h.html. Accessed 25 Mar. 2026.

Nutmeg the Dog

 Nutmeg the Dog

My family has many possessions: cars, toys, food, electronics, and many more. However, we do not think about these on a daily basis unless they cause a problem, and then we think of them only negatively. All these modern luxuries are taken for granted despite how useful and entertaining they are. However, one possession that can’t be taken for granted, and something that brings us all closer together, is our dog, Nutmeg. She requires care every day to feed her, take her on walks, and play with her. This requires a level of attention scarcely present for anything else that we own, and brings our family together in a way not much else can.

We got her about 4 years ago, and the whole process was a difficult one. First, there was the long drive to the breeder's house, a trip which we made as a family. Once we brought her home, she was naturally scared of all the new people, and was a pain to do anything with. She wasn’t trained yet, and our house was her bathroom. Walks were agonizingly slow, and often she wouldn’t go at all. The issues continued as we brought her to a vet, and discovered that she had both ear mites and a heart murmur, both of which are issues that could have been disclosed to us had the breeder been a responsible one. We were even considering sending her back, not wanting to deal with all the problems that accompanied having a puppy, especially a sick one.

However, after the initial period of fright and wariness, she warmed up to us, cuddling on the couch when we watched TV, or lazing around the house just looking adorable. The ear mites and the heart murmur were resolved, and we had become attached. She still required care and attention, as all dogs do, but our work was rewarded, with her becoming a delightful and trouble-free pet. She now loves to run in the grass, snuggle up to us when we are watching TV, and will even go pretty much anywhere with us, even on long hikes through the woods.

Unlike something material, like a piece of jewelry passed down for generations, having a dog is something that requires effort. The care brings each member of my family closer together, during both the good times and the hard times. When things with her were difficult, we worked hard to improve the situation, and only grew more attached. She had already progressed so far regarding many of our issues, and giving up now would be a travesty. I think that people will value anything that they have put a lot of time into over something that they haven’t. For example, I wouldn’t value a manufactured vase as much as one made with my own hands. Our dog is something that we have put time and effort into, leading to a stronger attachment and commitment for the future.

Despite technically being a "possession", having a dog is having a special, ongoing experience, and so many memories that my family has made have been with Nutmeg. She is a lovely reminder of the past and a family member to share new experiences with. The time necessary to care for our dog is more than worth it. The value that she brings to the family can’t be replaced, making Nutmeg my family’s most treasured possession.

Nutmeg Contemplates Life

Here are some objects that show how quickly my interests change 👍

    My room contains countless trinkets, toys, and oddities, with each one offering a glimpse into a certain phase of my life. Under the bed, you can find my swim team gear, boxes of snap circuits, a toy crane truck, and my first laptop. In my closet, there are model airplanes, Nerf guns, electronics, and Legos. Each of these items sits there, unused, but not forgotten, with each one telling of a different experience. However, amongst the unused are an array of things I find myself using quite often. The Nerf guns hail a time when all I wanted was a motorized blaster, even if my siblings didn’t want to get hit by one. I spent countless hours researching, watching videos online, and looking at Amazon to try to figure out the one that I wanted and what accessories to outfit it with. Despite the lack of potential targets, I was enamored by them.

     Another set of objects is from a difficult time for many, yet a nostalgic one for me. The electronics kit in my closet and the laptop under my bed remain from the beginning of 6th grade during the Covid-19 pandemic. I used this laptop for doing all my classwork, for programming the Arduino in my electronics kit, and to connect to Zoom for online school. I even hooked up a second monitor to it, something that most students didn’t have. This allowed me to browse parts for a new computer I wanted to build while still appearing to be paying attention in class. It was a fantastic combo for goofing off in class. It especially helped that I wasn’t using the school-provided Chromebook, allowing me to visit whatever websites I wanted. This was also my first experience being in control of my device, enabling me to use the Arduino I had for various little projects. Additionally, I wrote my first Python code on this laptop, starting a long-term interest in programming that hasn’t waned like some others.

    The sheer variety of objects in my room tells a story of constantly shifting interests, with some closely related and some wildly different. I find that it's so easy to forget topics that we dearly loved in the past when moving to other fascinations, so looking back through time can provide a wonderful experience. I have sometimes found hours of enjoyment exploring things in my closet or under my bed that I would never have remembered if I didn’t need to go looking there. It also provides an opportunity to reflect on how I’ve changed as a person throughout the years, with early interests such as Legos and Nerf guns slowly shifting to a love of the more complex. Nothing ever sticks too long, though, sometimes lasting months, but it’s not uncommon to be just weeks or even days before something else takes hold. While this pattern of changing interests often provides a lot of diversity in my life, it can also become a trap of discontent with what I have and lead to a desire for more. For example, about 50% of the time I was interested in cars was spent looking for deals on Facebook Marketplace, despite knowing there wasn’t a chance for me to get one.

    Remembering the little experiences is a challenge for many people, but it can be so valuable to see how far I’ve come since the time when these objects were relevant. Even if the object is unrelated, it can still bring up powerful memories of my thoughts and feelings at that time. Using objects from the past to look back is something I think more people should do. In hard times, it can bring joy to know that the world hasn’t always and won't always be this way, which is something that a lot of people might need right now.